difficult situations

Abby emailed me. Ouch! I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe talking to me helped her get some closure or answers that she needed. I have to hope that the emails and the conversations did some good for her. On my side of things it just caused alot of tears and stirred up past hurt. But if it helped her feel better than I guess its alright. I dont want her to hurt either.
Every thing has been going so well, suddenly all mistakes are back in the spotlight. I dont know how to respond. I know things were bad. I've spent the better part of the last six months cryin over him. He and I end up talking about it constantly, I pray about it every day. What it comes down to, is that the love is more than the hurt. I love him completely. I cant even start to imagine walking away from him. He shows me he loves me. Lately hes really been trying to fix everything and set it straight. I respect that. I wish other people could understand his efforts, Particularly his parrents. His parrents love Abby. In fact everyone loves Abby. She has no shortage of people on her side. But right now Jimmy really needs his parrents to support him. I know they are only trying to make him do what they think is best for him, but they are his parrents, not Abbys. Where is their loyalty to their son. They are hurting him alot. I cant understand where they are comming from. I'm really lucky, I know my Mom would be in my corner through hell and back, even if she thought i was wrong. He really loves and respects his parrents alot so i dont want to knock on them but i have trouble understanding. I wish I could meet them. When I left Jimmys house about an hour ago he was crying. He was about to call his parrents and knew they would fight about this very situation. I IMed him to see how he was doing. He used some colorful language to let me know that it wasnt going well, he said he thinks his mom hates him.. Im sure she loves him, but still was hurt enough to say it. That sucks. He also said his mom dosent like me at all. He said she thinks im bad. I cant really dwell on that point much though, as his mother has never met me. I'm not bad. Some day she'll meet me and she will see how well i love her son and she'll know.
This all feels awful. Jimmys hurting, Abbys Hurting, I am hurting. His parrents are upset, her parrents are trying to protect her and my parrents are worried and confused. Jimmy made a decision and hes trying so hard to set things right. I hope everyone finds the love in their hearts to forgive him soon. Its hard to watch some one you love get dragged back down when they are struggeling so hard to get up. I wish there were more that I could do.

old stuff

I wrote this about a month ago. I just came across it again. Not sure why but I felt I should share it.


Pain
Not physical
Not spiritual, I feel you lord
Mental.
Confusion, but not really
Exhaustion.
I know I’m strong enough to keep fighting
But, I’m too tired to think
I don’t remember why I fight

I can see beauty
I divert my eyes
Don’t let him see my wanting
I shouldn’t try
I believe that I am seen
But, I’m to low to touch
Unworthy of his rescue

Loyal to my captor
I’m ashamed
Should he set me free
Am I brave enough to run
Would I take my freedom
Or would I cling to the familer?

I torture my self with indecision
stalling
Ask God for the answers
I should know
It’s hazy
If I could only focus
There is truth
I will see the answer
I will know

Its all good

Its all good. That was my favorite phrase growin up, so much in fact that my momma calls me her "its all good girl". :) But any way, It is ALL good.
We had our Christmas Party on friday. While it wasnt as hip as Curtis's party I had sooo much fun. I had some drinks, But Jimmy and Curtis got smashed! We all won cool prizes and Did a bunch of dancing!! Yay! I love it. And, once again Jimmy and Curtis were the two coolest, best dressed, most dancinest, most partyin guys there! Curtis looked like he stepped straight off the cover of GQ, but of course.

lovin Las Vegas

So last night Curtis took Jimmy and I with him to his Las Vegas themed christmas party. First lemme say that I was sitting between the two coolest guys in the room. Curtis was a rockstar ,quite literally, and Jimmy Was a punk rocker, and a total hottie, which is nothing new :). I am also pleased to say that my outfit was a hit. I'm not really sure what I was supposed to be, maybe a popstar, maybe a groupie, doesnt matter really , I got dressed with a particular senior airman in mind, he liked it! Mission complete. :) The only thing missing was the dancing. Theres another party tonight and my dance cards already filled out!! I'll add a pic once i figure out how.

The Tin-Man had it easy

Falling in Love is amazing. You find some one who seems to fill up all your empty spaces, makes your heart race. You wake up and think about them, every love song ever written is about them, your happier just cause you are near them. Who could want anything more than this?.
Then your heart breaks. Now what you wish for more than anything is to forget. You pretend it dosent matter, try to be tough. you dont need em, you'll be better off on your own any way. But it does matter, It matters soo much. Your not tough, your vunerable. Everything reminds you of them. No one is as good, or cute as them, no one fits you as well, no one knows how you work like they do. What if you never find some one else to be this passionate about. Maybe you could be a nun?! Wait! Nuns cant have kids, and you want to be a mom. Maybe you could be a nun at an orphanage, Thats almost like bein a mom, right?!?!?!?....Ok so you shouldnt be a nun.
So now what? Your chest sinks a little more, your face gets warm and your eyes start to burn. No!! Just stop thinking about it. Pray hard for something. Hold your breath. Try to hold it in. Dont cry. Hold your breath again. Think of anything else. Pray some more. Try to sleep as much as you can. Tommorrow will be better.

Hugs Are Great!

I definatly don't get as many hugs in my life as I would like.
My friend Jacquline just got back and its awsome having her home. Everytime I see her she hugs me. It just makes life better.
I'm from a very large very affectionate family. We hug alot, we are all very close. Its strange to be away from my family, out in this whole new world where no one really knows me or loves me. I guess I was so used to the love I got, that I just took for granted it would always be there. Its hard to be so very far away from it.
When I make new friends that I get close to, I always try to treat them like I would treat my family, and want them to treat me the same way. But, I have to remind myself often, that most people wernt raised like Iwas. Lately Jimmy has taken on the burden alone, of filling my life with hugs, I'm grateful! :)
Momma, Bri, Al, Adam, Auntie, Shawn, Mike, Guy, Heath, Heidi Thanx for all the hugs! I miss you all soooo much. I love you.

life

Life is good. Its like God opened my eyes to show me that there are a million wonderful things I can do. I've always had dreams of what I imagined were good ways to live my life. Now those things are within my reach. But can I have them all?
Love is work. I'm in love. It's scary to give someone every part of your self and then wait in faith as they learn what to do with it.
I miss my family. It's strange to only have to live for my self day to day. No one needs me to make dinner or do their hair or stop at the store on my way home. It seems wrong not to be needed. I miss being on the inside watching and helping them grow. Who will they be when I get to see them again? What will they have learned? How will they have changed? How diffrent will I seem to them?
I look forward to having a family of my own someday. The idea is that you would leave your family to get married and make a new family of your own, Right?! But what if you decide to save the world in between? Somethings missing.